I’m 29 weeks plus a few days pregnant. That means in 11 weeks, give or take, I will be holding another beautiful baby girl in my arms.
Someone pinch me, I still don’t know how things will change when she’s here.
My first trimester I was miserable. I didn’t throw up very much, compared with Emma’s pregnancy (I had hyperemesis with her). I did however, have terrible nausea and couldn’t stand food. It was no way to live, since I’m a foodie!
The second trimester flew by and the food aversions and nausea calmed down a ton, but didn’t completely disappear. I had a lot more energy, and also partially thanks to the quarantine, I got really good at keeping up with my house chores.
Now I am in the beginning stage of my third trimester. I look like Pooh bear in all my shirts, I refuse to buy maternity clothes since this is my last pregnancy. Luckily, the discomforts/symptoms haven’t gotten the best of me-so far.
I feel like my muscles are tight, and I desperately NEED to incorporate a yoga and/or work out routine with stretching. Besides that, I’m amazed at how normal I feel physically. I’m actually laying carefully on my belly while typing this lol.
BUT I will say I do notice MOOD SWINGS.
No, I’m not saying I’m sweet one moment, then lashing out at someone the next. I hate this misconceived definition of mood swings [insert eye roll] lol.
What I mean is that everyday through out the day my mood fluctuates unpredictably, and on some days it’s a very drastic fluctuation.
I believe my hormones are affecting my mood regulation. I’ll be in a fairly decent, level headed mood one moment, and then I’ll slowly start slipping into a big hole of frustration, anxiety and hopelessness the next.
I am very self aware and do my best to stay away from environmental triggers that can make it worse. Being hangry never helps, so I try to be mindful of at least snacking every 3 hours through out the day. I also try to distract myself with hobbies or calling my partner.
All in all, I am very fortunate that I’ve had a healthy pregnancy, despite the mental health struggles I’ve faced.
Let’s see where these last weeks of pregnancy take me.
I’ll keep you guys posted 😉
If you’re expecting, I’d love to hear about your pregnancy experience!
I’m so grateful, the Universe has placed things in alignment so that I can receive the message I’ve been searching for.
I’ve continually asked myself why becoming a mother has brought about so much emotional turmoil within me. After all, I’ve always wanted to become a mother. Why would I feel this way if I love my baby, and she brings so much joy to my life.
I’ve wanted to become a mother ever since I could remember. A major reason is because I wanted to fill a void I felt growing up. My relationship with my mother was not very conventional, I’ve had to be more of a mother to her, than the other way around (but that’s for another post).
So what message did the Universe deliver to you?
Well I had fallen behind on listening to my favorite podcast from @themindfulcorner on Instagram and last night I treated myself to the most recent episode titled “Conscious Motherhood.”
It was like Ylette, the guest on the show, was speaking directly to ME when she said being a mother to her, can be triggering.
There it was, she was able to express in words, my exact experience that I felt so confused about. Being Emma’s mom for these past 14 months has been triggering, emotionally draining at times, to be quite honest.
For me these triggers look like anxiety and depression, if you’re wondering.
These negative feelings have occurred simultaneous to the feelings of extraordinary joy from witnessing her grow.
The silver lining to this is that when something triggers us, it is directing us to look at parts of ourselves that are unhealed. I have been putting off some of this healing for a long time (trauma healing, maybe one day I’ll open up more about this).
Being a good mother to me means being able to give myself fully to my daughter. If I have parts of me that hurt or need attention, those are also parts of me that I cannot offer to her.
My daughter is my biggest teacher. When I’m around her, I feel in tune with what I have to do. Even when it’s hard, I have to rise up and do what I need to become a better, more whole, me.
Dr. Erika Velez, a clinical psychologist from the podcast, also mentions in the episode that it used to be common to hear the definition of a good mother is one who has their children fed, clean and disciplined. But that we have evolved and are becoming more aware that a child needs more from us. They need us to be present, to form a deeper connection and bond with them.
I have been yearning to be able to give myself fully to my daughter, to feel deep connection-without all those other feelings. In order to be the mother I’ve always wanted to be, I will have to face all the parts of me, even the ugly parts.
Mother’s Day means different things to different people. This year is especially different with what is occurring globally.
As for me, this Mother’s Day I will soak in the message of my child being my greatest teacher, and of NOT needing to be perfect to be a great mother.
Being self aware of who and where we are as mothers is the most perfect thing we can do for them.
What insights about motherhood do you care to share as we get closer to Mother’s Day?
I hope you are able to enjoy yourself, considering this years circumstances.
Emma was born February 28, 2019 at 1:58pm. According to the delivery team, I had a complication free birth.
I would like to preface this by saying that all birth experiences are different. Please don’t overwhelm yourself with all the worse case scenarios if you are currently expecting or plan on becoming pregnant.
What matters most is that you and baby made it, not all the in between!
In this post I will talk about the details in between because it was MY experience I care to share, not what the doctor or nurses told me. Following are highlighted key points in a question/answer format.
Did you have a birth plan?
I didn’t type one out to give to the delivery team but my plan was to NOT get the epidural and try to let nature take its course without unnecessary interventions.
Who was in the delivery room with you?
I only wanted my partner to be there. My mom and sister are not good with high stress situations and I would’ve had to worry about taking care of them not getting scared versus worrying about myself.
Did you have an epidural or were induced?
I received an epidural and was not induced, she came on her own one week early.
How many hours did you spend in labor?
I’m not an expert in the terms but I started experiencing cramps or pre labor pain, Wednesday morning at 6am. We drove to the hospital at like 6pm because the contractions felt like they were 5 minutes apart. The pain started escalating to where I couldn’t speak around 8pm on wednesday. I got the epidural some point after midnight that evening. Pushing started at 9am and the baby came out at 2pm.
What was the hardest part of delivery?
I was pushing for hours and felt like I was going to faint, and wasn’t sure I was ever going to get her out. I started pushing at 9am and had to take breaks until she finally came at almost 2pm. I will mention I also felt the hours/days after birth (postpartum) were mentally and physically overwhelming and feel like that was actually the worst part. I want to write a seperate post for this.
What was your favorite part of delivering?
As cliche as it sounds, having the baby lay on my chest for the first was the most beautiful feeling I’ve EVER felt. The immediate motherly instinct to protect her is so beautiful to look back on. When she started crying as I held her for the first time, I immediately put myself in her shoes, thinking of her needs more than my own. I started crying and asking the nurses why she was crying, all I wanted to do was make her feel comforted.
I didn’t look cute like other moms. My hair was a mess, eyes puffy, lips cracked, but I had the best thing laying on my chest.
If there is something you could change from the experience what would it be?
I am expecting another baby in less than 3 months. This time I plan on typing out my most important requests on paper to hand to the delivery team. When I was in pain, I could not be my own advocate. I expected my partner to speak up for me, but he didn’t know what I needed, it was his first birth experience too. I have such an “I can do this myself mentality.” I am going to try to lean on him more this time, and hopefully not get the epidural too soon in the process (IF I get it).
Did you learn any lessons from your first birth?
I was very bitter after my birth experience.
Yes, I had a natural (vaginal) birth and they didn’t need to intervene much besides the epidural and at the very last minute they gave me pitocin.
That doesn’t sound so bad, why bitter? I had envisioned and hoped my birth would be as natural as possible. That is, without any medicine, without being rushed to push the baby when we didn’t feel ready.
I had tried to prepare myself to be “ready.” I had read that hospitals try to intervene too much in a process that should be natural. I went in with my defenses up, and I still felt like I had my requests violated.
How were my requests violated? Upon introducing myself to the first nurse that would care for me during labor, I let her know I did not plan on having an epidural. This nurse proceeded to continually PUSH (like she was gaining commission) that I get an epidural. I am a strong willed person, but after being physically and mentally fatigued with pain and discomfort for hours I CRACKED. I gave in after being at the hospital for 5 hours.
So is this nurse to blame for all my resentment? No, but I wish she would have let me ride out the pain and change my mind on my own. I wish she would have let me go in the shower like I had requested, instead of forcing me to be hooked up to monitors, forced on a bed.
I wish she would’ve kept her unneeded comments about my size to herself. She said that my frame was very small and I would have trouble getting the baby out (NOT HELPFUL).
The second shift nurse. I had taken the class to “prepare” you for delivery at the hospital and expected the nurse to at some point tell me I was 10 cm dilated. She never told me I was 10cm, they just told me that I needed to start pushing “to get the baby’s head through,” I delivered 5 hours later. They made me feel like I was on the doctors time and said they didn’t want to bring the doctor until I was ready. I felt rushed and pushed.
Birth experiences are not going to be as cookie cutter as you’ll read. Expect the unexpected and know that people cannot read your mind, you might not be able to speak up for yourself like you normally can (due to pain and fatigue). Writing even a simple paper they can pin on the wall where the nurse makes her notes, may save you some of the grief I went through.
It was so surreal to meet my daughter for the first time, and feel her body on my chest. The magic of the experience helped fade the pain I felt, as they stitched me when we were doing chest to chest for the first time (Yup, I felt them stitching me).
All in all, I have no regrets. I am so happy both me and my baby girl made it through safe. I group my feelings of bitterness with the struggle I faced postpartum as well. A separate post will be up about my postpartum and breastfeeding experience.
I hope this didn’t come off as a negative post, I just want to shed light on some of the frustrations I faced with my birth but also some of the things I hope you can take from my experience.
Feel free to message me with questions through my email or my Instagram @bloomingandbliss_
I was speaking with a girlfriend recently, who opened up about her insecurities but also wanted to start dating. I obviously validated her feelings explaining that it is completely normal to feel insecure when you are putting yourself out there. It can be scary not knowing how the other person is going to react toward you. I did, however, give her a pep talk from my perspective.
I said “You need to love and accept yourself so much, enjoy your own company so much that it won’t matter who is sitting across the table from you. If the other person isn’t able to see your worth, then NEXT. Bye.”
I think back to that conversation and can’t help but laugh because I am much better at lifting my friends up and telling them to love themselves and be confident-when in reality I struggle quite a bit with this myself.
It’s like every time I am listening to a friend’s dilemmas, I surprise myself with the insightful advice that rolls out of my mouth. Many times I should be preaching these same things to myself. I’ve realized that I am better at seeing the worth in my friends than my own, I don’t really know my value.
In this quarantine, as well as with being a stay-at-home for over a year, I’ve learned to practice a lot of solitude. When you are alone with your thoughts and feelings for long periods of time, you are forced to slow down and listen.
I overlook that the wisdom, which holds many of the answers I seek, is WITHIN.
I am grateful I am on the path to knowing my worth. I want to build a foundation, with a strong sense of self, that will be difficult to knock down. The value I place on myself should supersede anyone else’s feelings or perspective about me.
My 30th birthday is approaching in 4 months. Learning to know who I am, what my values are, my personal boundaries, will help me teach my daughters how to do this for themselves. Daily, I continue to practice forming the person I want to be, and model for my children.
At times, this world feels isolating-quarantine or not.
Practicing physical and mental solitude can help you uncover things that you need to focus more on. Don’t ignore the message your body/soul/spirit is sending you.
I’ll end this blog with a THANK YOU to you the universe.
Thank you for always having a lesson for me to learn. I look forward to growing with your continued guidance.
We all have standards we set for ourselves, some higher than others. But where lies the line between high standards and perfectionism? And is working toward perfection actually such a bad thing?
Perfectionism can be in many areas of your life whether it be in your physical appearance, intelligence, cleanliness…the list goes on.
There are a few aspects I’d like to point out.
Some of us use perfectionism as a mask to protect ourselves from rejection or hope for acceptance from others.
In other cases we are looking for self acceptance, we cannot accept ourselves unless we hold said attribute; our self value is dependent on this.
Lastly, I’ve also noticed perfectionism arise in those who feel the need to have as much control over their life as possible.
In all cases, we are seeking outside sources of validation in order to give ourselves permission to feel HAPPY or SUCCESSFUL.
“When I look like…I will feel or be…”
“If I were a physician or lawyer, I’d feel smart enough.”
“If I do this thing perfectly, my life will actually be in order.”
S T O P…
Let me break this fairytale in your head. There is NO such thing as perfect.
Having high standards and setting difficult goals for yourself is not perfectionism. In fact, working toward your self development and growth is admirable. However, it’s absurd to have this idea that once you reach a certain place (image or achievement) you will have arrived to life’s final destination. Being highly intelligent or extremely gorgeous is not the be all end all.
Do yourself a favor, stop chasing perfection. Chase improvement. Chase a better quality of life, and the attributes that accompany it. Strong work ethic and ambition reap results, not fantasizing over an idealized reality.
Self love and self acceptance should be practiced regardless of our accomplishments or relationships.
And lastly, for those of us that want to be perfect so that we can have control over our life; we can’t control life. Life is unpredictable, and doing our best is better than being perfect.
Let’s be a little less perfect, and a little more authentic.
We expect others to be like us, to treat us how we would treat others; reciprocating with the same mannerism and respect.
Other times expectations are about our future.
Maybe we’ve painted a picture of how our life would be by a certain age; how marriage would look, our house, career, parenthood etc.
Just like we all set expectations, we’ve all similarly experienced the let down of things not going according to plan or being blindsided when betrayed by a friend.
It’s OK if other people do not view the world like you. It’s OK if you aren’t where you thought you would be. It’s even OK to wish or hope for people or things to be a certain way.
I am not saying we cannot hope for the good in others; Or that we should just stop planning or envisioning the life of our dreams?
No. It simply means save yourself the grief and start to identify these expectations. When people or situations are not what you expected, LET IT GO. Start over.
Turn your failed assumptions into new opportunities to work toward new goals. Ultimately, it is up to YOU to reframe these unproductive thought patterns. Your energy is wasted in “what could have been” instead focus on “what can be.”
This blog symbolizes a new start. I would like to create a space where I and readers alike, feel free of judgements and limitations. A place that silences the noise of the world and is in tune with our internal wisdom. I am open to new ideas, it’s the only way we can grow.
A few facts:
I’m in the last year of my 20’s and became a mother to a beautiful little girl 6 months ago. I have a Bachelor of Science in Nutrition (dietetics). I’m residing in the sunny state of Arizona.
I love practicing mindfulness and grounding.
Oh, and I have a camera that is way above my level of expertise.
Nutrition, self-care, and motherhood are among the many topics I plan on posting about.
Blooming & Bliss 